More Than This

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you thought to yourself, "There has to be more than this." Maybe you were wishing for a spouse or children, stuck in a dead end job or without one even.  Maybe you were just graduating and wondering what you were going to do with that degree or why you just spent so much money on it.  Maybe you'd recently lost someone close to you or someone you wish you had been closer to. There are more scenarios than there is space to write.  I'm wondering though, if you have ever found yourself in what you would argue is one of the high points of your life and still said "there has to be more than this?"

I suppose I'm wondering because that is exactly where I am and who wants to be alone?  I've been all those other places in the last 18 months. Our family, we've lost my husbands position twice and consequently our home in the church parsonage with it.  We have moved across the country twice to places we have never been and knew no one and just started over.  We have struggled with finances and meeting basic needs.  We lost my mom to cancer on our oldest sons birthday and just 6 short months after her diagnosis. It has been a brutal year and a half and yet, I don't remember ever saying there just has to be something more in life than this.  We just went with it, trusted in God to provide and held firm to a faith we'd had for many years.

Now though? Now we are in a great season of life.  We are ministering in a wonderful church with a tremendously loving body of believers. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, we have three children we adore, and we are financially better off than we ever thought we would be in ministry.  We are even getting ready to purchase our first home. Now though, is when I am struggling with this idea that there has to be more.  Not more stuff though, more life, more passion, and more significance.

I'm wondering if maybe I'm struggling because God is asking me to do something. See I have this idea, but its big, and kind of crazy and really outside my usual comfort zone.  It's one of those ideas that you just dismiss the first couple of times it comes to mind but then realize you just can't stop thinking about it.  You make lists of all the reasons it won't work, or why you're under qualified. Then you just start making excuses because the truth is you know God is asking you to do something, but you are just plain scared.

Yup, that's me. Hi, my name is Carey, and I'm scared.  Scared of failing, disappointing people, putting myself out there, getting hurt, being vulnerable.  I'm scared all right but I'm also excited, because there has to be more than being scared and settling for a good life.  There has to be and I'm craving it.  I'm craving relationship, community, and significance in this life.  I'm craving joy, fellowship, and service.  

Will you join me?  Join in this more than ordinary life.  More than just black and white living where if its safe, we say yes and if it's scary, we say no.  Join me in the gray where it can be hazy, scary, vulnerable, and risky, but we say YES because it's also full of potential for life giving joy.  Join me in the gray where hurts happen, but healing does too.